(Just a bit of warning that this post is more spicy than most of my writing, but I hope you enjoy Stella. 🙂 )
KJ: It’s great to have you with us today, Stella.
Stella: When you say it that way it sounds like I’m nearly dead! Are you going to tell people, “Stella’s no longer with us,” once the interview is over? Pff! I’m not that old!
KJ: I just meant that we’re honored to have you as a guest.
Stella: Don’t be too honored. I’m only here because my agent said I had to be. (She flips her hair and glares at KJ)
KJ: (forcing a smile) I’ll have to remember to send a special thank you note to your agent.
Stella: Pff! (Shaking her head and rolling her eyes) He’s an idiot, but for some reason people prefer to talk to him instead of me.
KJ: Yes, that is shocking. So Stella, have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie, The Beaver?
Stella: No! And I’m not going to watch it either. It’s disgusting, that’s what it is. (Looking totally appalled)
KJ: What?! It’s a heart-warming movie about a man using a puppet to deal with severe depression. How is that disgusting?
Stella: Well for starters, I can’t tell if the movie is a documentary, discriminatory, or porn.
Stella: Maybe you haven’t seen the news the last few years, but Mel Gibson hasn’t exactly acted like a stable man. I think they might have just paid Jodie Foster to follow him around and then they made a “movie” about it.
KJ: Now Stella, that’s not being very nice.
Stella: Pff! Who said I was nice? I’m honest. It’s not easy to find an honest person these days, you know! I’m just saying that if he’s already mentally disturbed, how do you know if he’s acting? If I’m going to a documentary, I want to know up front that it’s a documentary. That’s what I’m saying.
KJ: Would you watch it if it was labeled as a documentary?
Stella: Absolutely not!
KJ: Why not?
Stella: Documentaries are boring. I don’t want to fall asleep in my popcorn and accidentally suck a kernel up my nose! Besides, even if it isn’t a documentary it’s still discriminatory.
KJ: Stella, I really don’t think the movie is a documentary. I might be sorry I asked, but why do you think The Beaver is discriminatory?
Stella: How thick are those classes you’re wearing? Are you blind? (Stella leans forward and gets uncomfortably close to KJ’s face)
KJ: No. But apparently I don’t share your unique view of the world.
Stella: Don’t be giving me attitude! (She points a wrinkled finger in a threatening manner, before continuing) If it were you, me or any other woman…well, can you imagine them making a movie about how playing with our beaver and talking to it makes us feel better? But let a man do it, and it’s okay to show it in normal theaters! That’s sexual discrimination at its finest!
Stella: What? Are you Marlon Brando now?
KJ: (Exasperated) The beaver is a puppet.
Stella: (rolls her eyes) Just because it’s a puppet doesn’t mean it isn’t porn. Hookers let their beavers talk for them too, but that doesn’t make them talk show hosts, now does it? I know you aren’t very bright, but they could have used a lot of other animals for the puppet. Well, not a lamb.
KJ: (hoping to salvage even part of the interview) Why couldn’t they have used a lamb?
Stella: Hello! Jodie Foster is the one they’re paying to follow Mel Gibson around. Silencing the lamb isn’t going to make him less crazy.
KJ: (Taking a deep breath) Stella, it isn’t a documentary, and it isn’t nice to say that Mel Gibson is crazy. It isn’t porn either. It’s just a movie about a man using a puppet beaver to reconnect with the people in his life and be the successful man he’s capable of being.
Stella: Oh! I think I see where you’re going with this.
KJ: You do?
Stella: Yeah. Mel Gibson just needs another puppet.
KJ: (Looking confused) Why does Mel need another puppet?
Stella: (Shaking her head at KJ’s ignorance) Well if they put another beaver on Mel Gibson’s other hand, they could call him a winner. It worked for Charlie Sheen. Well, at least until he got fired. But hey, Charlie’s still got his beavers!
KJ: (sits in stunned silence)
Stella: Oh God! They’re going to fire Mel Gibson, aren’t they? Instead of having one foot out the door, he has one hand up a beaver. What a shame. He was a looker in his younger days! I’d have let him play with my beaver.
KJ: Stella, this interview is over.
Stella: Fine by me. I didn’t want to be here in the first place! But I do have a question for you.
KJ: (Knowing the interview is ruined anyway) What’s your question?
Stella: Well, theoretically, if Mel was wearing a woodchuck instead of a beaver…how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
KJ: Goodbye Stella.
Stella: (As KJ walks away) Remember to send that thank you note to my agent! If you word it nicely, he might make me come back for another interview.